A Mouthful of Excuses and an Empty Stomach

Gently, I am told it is time to begin giving again.

Utterly bedridden with morning sickness, I’ve a good many reasons to just keep taking.

Gently, I hear that I cannot trade a plethora of excuses for happiness. It is time.

I wanted to just bask in love, soak it up in the same way that my old cat used to soak up the sun, chasing it through the house as it moved from window to window.

The cat never struck you as particularly fulfilled and peaceful, did he?

No. No, I can’t say that he did.

I wanted to eat love, suck it up and digest it like the filling of assorted chocolates. But every time I try to keep it in my belly, it dies there. Meant to be given and shared. Meant for movement from person to person.

…you’ve never eaten an entire box of chocolates by yourself, have you?

Maybe once. Well, no. Unlikely. Sick to the stomach and indulgent isn’t exactly what I was going for. I can’t even eat any chocolate now, thanks to the morning sickness.

But I still buy chocolate at the grocery store because Oliver still likes chocolate– (that is, whenever I can make it to the grocery store). Because sometimes I am aware that there is more to my narrow world than me and my discomfort.

Does this mean I can’t stay in bed watching Disney movies any longer?

You can. You always could and you always will be able to. But then when your child asks you the meaning of love, what will you tell her? The answer is not in Pocahontas or The Brave Little Toaster. You know because you’ve watched them 1,000 times over this past month. Pocahontas is just as confused as anybody else. Or when your husband comes home from work, what is the best you’ll be able to offer him? An empty home-cooked meal?

So I guess I really can’t stay in bed watching Disney movies.

Not if you want more of a life than that of your old cat.

You know I really am sick, though.

And still, really unhappy when selfish. Now and always, it is time to grow.

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