It’s been quite a while since I’ve written about something stupid that I’ve done. Interesting, given that it has not been quite a while since I’ve actually done something stupid.
Ah well. So it goes.
By now I’ve had plenty of time to adapt to marriage, to become a loving and supportive wife, but then time is never what makes the difference, is it? It’s an absolute commitment to learn how to care about a person unconditionally, a commitment to let go of our need to be right, to stop screwing around and learn to do it right.
Time I’ve had enough of. There rest… Well, that’s been wanting.
So the exchanges in our house lately have been something like this:
“You seem upset.”
“Yeah and why wouldn’t I be after you _____” (insert horrible egregious crime)
“Sweetie it’s hard for me when you ____”
“Yeah well you do it too and you also _____ which is way worse.”
“Could we start this conversation over? I’d like to have a nice time with you.”
You know, concise, accurate and totally immature and unproductive. I’ll leave you to guess which half of those exchanges were me.
Is this how I want to act toward the man I’ve chosen to spend the rest of my life for the rest of my life? I have some vague, niggling memory of what it felt like to actually be on the same team as my husband, to be an actual partner as opposed to a mere taskmaster. Oliver do this, do that, learn this, grow faster, and did you realize you’re doing this?
Is there any point to it all? Sure, because of who I am I always tend to notice things that could use improvement but is it really necessary that I dwell on it, mull over it or even say any of it out loud? No, pretty much definitely unnecessary. The incessant tweaking and criticizing prevents me from simply enjoying my husband’s company– and I’m sure isn’t terribly fun for him either.
So how about I instead take responsibility for myself, for my own happiness, for my own ability to be loving and allow my husband to do the same? That way always works better.