Spinning Circles

So if having a need to be right is wrong and interferes with my happiness, that would mean that beating myself up over every little mistake would be good, right? How much wronger could I possibly get than beating myself upside the head with every ounce of wrongness I produce?

It’s times like these I’ve really got to stop and give a shout to my Stupidity and Judgements from the Past. Thank you, thank you guys. Really Veena, we all thought you couldn’t possibly get any stupider, but hey, when have you been one to give up so easily? Gone and proved us wrong again. Leading yourself down the garden path and into the rabbit’s hole.

They should make trophies for people like me. Or ribbons. I like ribbons.

It turns out that emotional self-flagellation is somehow not an improvement on needing to be right. In fact, it turns out that they’re not even mutually exclusive. So here I am beating myself into an emotional pulp and STILL needing to pretend I’m right to everyone else (read: Oliver) that dares to point out something I’m doing wrong.

You’d think for once I’d be okay with being stupid, that I’d get used to being stupid. You’d think for once I’d have faith that everything will work out, is working out with time and steady effort. You’d think for once I’d understand that no one needs to be whipped for every mistake.

And I think, for once, I will. I will have faith. I will trust. And I will lay down all of this garbage about the way I thought relationships and life worked.

Because you know the problem with cyclical problems? They’re cyclical. They’re self-feeding, self-perpetuating. So I take one mistake, pile it on my back, and with the added emotional duress, with the added mental heaviness I make more mistakes, more excuses for inaction and I just keep collecting all the subsequent mistakes like finding seashells on the beach. Oh but this one is pretty too, just got to pick it up and take it home. Can we keep it, Mom? Can we??

Apparently nurturing pain isn’t a healthy thing.

If I’m not happy, I’m wrong. I don’t need to keep creating all of this excessive drama. All I have to do is figure out what I’m doing that’s wrong and try something different until I get it right.


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