Please Enjoy Your Complimentary Netflix Subscription, or How My Mother Would Stop ISIS

Most people avoid political discussions with family over the holiday. For me, it’s a highlight.

My mom: If I were president, I would sit down with the terrorists and ask them, “What do you guys want?”

Me: “To kill you.” And then they would kill you.

My mom: Hmm. Okay, I would give them all unlimited Netflix subscriptions so that they would become so preoccupied with watching TV that they wouldn’t kill anyone.

Me: They’d become even more convinced of the depravity of Western culture and that much more resolved to kill us. Venkat, did you hear her suggestion? 

My brother: To be fair, that’s a better solution than the one our government has come up with. 

My mom: Okay. I’d retake Friends with muslim characters, put the women in modest clothing, and take out any mention of sex.

Me: … there goes the entire plot of Friends.

My mom: Oh! Then in the last episode, I’d have Allah come out and say, “Have fun! Just don’t kill people!”

Me: It’s hugely sacrilegious to depict Allah or Mohammed in any way, so good luck with that. 

My mom: Ah. Hmm… Maybe that’s too straightforward. I’ll say, “Guys! There are other ways to have fun besides bombing people!” Then I would give lots of board games to play. 

Me: So that might work until they turn about eight years old. 

My mom: I don’t know. I’ll think of something. 

My brother: If you run for president, don’t count on our support.


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