Most people avoid political discussions with family over the holiday. For me, it’s a highlight.
My mom: If I were president, I would sit down with the terrorists and ask them, “What do you guys want?”
Me: “To kill you.” And then they would kill you.
My mom: Hmm. Okay, I would give them all unlimited Netflix subscriptions so that they would become so preoccupied with watching TV that they wouldn’t kill anyone.
Me: They’d become even more convinced of the depravity of Western culture and that much more resolved to kill us. Venkat, did you hear her suggestion?
My brother: To be fair, that’s a better solution than the one our government has come up with.
My mom: Okay. I’d retake Friends with muslim characters, put the women in modest clothing, and take out any mention of sex.
Me: … there goes the entire plot of Friends.
My mom: Oh! Then in the last episode, I’d have Allah come out and say, “Have fun! Just don’t kill people!”
Me: It’s hugely sacrilegious to depict Allah or Mohammed in any way, so good luck with that.
My mom: Ah. Hmm… Maybe that’s too straightforward. I’ll say, “Guys! There are other ways to have fun besides bombing people!” Then I would give lots of board games to play.
Me: So that might work until they turn about eight years old.
My mom: I don’t know. I’ll think of something.
My brother: If you run for president, don’t count on our support.